Kitchen Nightmares - A Lost Episode

An original pasta written by TVB

Who in here is in the know about the Gordon Ramsay series, Kitchen Nightmares? I mean, everyone is in the know about the show, so why did I ask you to begin with? Well there was an episode that was banned from the airwaves for being "either too disjointed, wrongfully unorthodox or just downright offensive." I can speak for myself, because I was at a Goodwill the other day just to buy a random VHS tape; probably typical 90s Hollywood film fare like Jurassic Park, Independence Day, or Silence of the Lambs; just to name a few; only because I remembered that I owned a VCR for almost two decades and some change give or take. As I walked through the VHS aisle... well, it's hard to believe but a VHS copy written in Impact font was, "THE KITCHEN NIGHTMARES: THE NEVER BEFORE SEEN LOST EPISODE," plus a subtitle describing said lost episode, "World renown chef Gordon Ramsay goes berserk in this episode never before seen on your TV's. If you watch this, there's a good speculation why this was banned. You have been warned."

So I bought the tape for $2.42; not a terrible deal, it could've been a lot worse. ...oh dear that statement is going to bite me in the ass as I write down the rest of this story. Just keeping my fingers crossed. ...but I'm already dead inside as is. And so I drove my 1969 Chevy Chevelle back to my $576,000-month apartment. I put the tape in my VCR and turned on the TV. Secret decode ring- by the time the video played, my expectations for the lost episode being actually mildly entertaining were lower than rock bottom. (sigh)

The episode started with Gordon Ramsay looking at the camera describing to us - the viewers at home - what the following episode is going to be about. Something about him was a lot more unkempt than I thought. I mean, okay yeah he talks about the restaurant he's going to - but it seems off. First he sounded a lot more aggressive as if he was speaking fast while shouting as loud as he can; his head was ready to explode by that point; and then when he talks about the restaurant he's going to - well, it was frightening - he talked about going a mysterious restaurant located at World Trade Center in New York City called, "BUSH'S DINER INN." I was in for a long haul - I was scared; I tried hugging my ALF Funko Pop and my Chesterton teddy bear - the intro played but the audio was interrupted by Gordon quickly rambling about America's government conspiracies. The ramble became quicker and louder as if this was more of a morbid version of Eminem's "Rap God." Coincidentally there was a glimpse picture of Gordon Ramsay looking like Max Headroom; only more off the 1987 televised incident where someone disguised as Max Headroom floated around in the background with distorted audio.

After the shocking-all-of-a-sudden intro, the meat and potatoes of Kitchen Nightmares (like no pun intended guys, I ain't a frickin' stand-up comedian; also, I ain't no hollaback girl) began with Gordon lecturing the following, "We all remember the 9/11 attacks. Well do you? It was more of a conspiracy theory caused by the American government, and that's why I will show everyone proof about the plane that hit the Twin Towers as I; here at New York City; will take you inside one of the towers to show you a dining place, Bush's Diner Inn. I will prove all of you fuckers that tragedies are nothing more than inside jobs. Somebody's an alien. What a shitload of fuck." I got scared; him preaching about government conspiracy theories? This is Kitchen Nightmares; like since when did he turn into an English Alex Jones? Oh by the way; fear the globalists you guys, they'll turn these frickin' frogs gay - like what the fuck is wrong with this episode!?!

When he walks into one of the Twin Towers; you can see raining spaghetti as he takes a bite of the pasta. "You could say that it tastes a little disheveled." Ramsay said looking at the camera as if he was trying to make some kind of bad pun. I wasn't even laughing! In the next scene his eyes became bloodshot as we hear what sounded like John Cleese yelling, "IT'S A SCARY SPAGHETTI." The camera pans into Ramsay's eyes in the most uncomfortable way possible. I guess the episode was trying to be like Aeon Flux given the blinking eye look - but a lot more chaotic (trust me, the lost episode of Aeon Flux gets a little mortifying as is). Like I'm not falling for this. I'm not falling down. I don't dig and/or bury myself everything that I am. During Ramsay's walk, I could see some guy who looked like Buckethead (with his KFC bucket stuck in his head) was running around naked while everything unfolds while singing Guns N' Roses, "Shackler's Revenge" out loud. You can hear distorted sounds of ominous organ playing a snippet of "Catching Ghosts" off of the Luigi's Mansion game.

After all of that, the scene abruptly cuts back to normal like all of this never happened, as Gordon finally arrives to Bush's Diner Inn. George W. Bush (yes...the real one) was the owner of that restaurant as he offers him a taste of the United Burger full with country goodness and green pea-ness. The actual ingredients for pain. He tasted it and he faints. A sound of explosion can be heard straight out of nowhere. Shocking enough, it was actually located a few doors by my apartment. (gasp) Oh my god, I see the explosions! And the World Trade Center. There was a hijack!

Now Gordon Ramsay kicked the door to my apartment and ran up to me and asked, "Is there a good reason why you're watching this lost episode?" Wait, Gordon? You!?! I was puzzled. All of this was actually happening while I was watching this tape? He then asked, "How was the pie?" I... I don't remember baking a pie. I don't even remember going to the store to buy some fresh baked apple pie. "Wait a minute," I thought to myself, "how does he know about my pies?" "Don't bullshit around, Tony! If that's your real name!" Wait, how does he know my name was Anthony? Not related to Tony Soprano- but Anthony Fantano! The internet's busiest music nerd?? Does he know me? I tried to fit the puzzles in my head - turns out Gordon Ramsay used to be a grocery store clerk that I worked with a long time ago, and for years he wanted to know what the pie tastes like cause he never tasted a pie before. He explained the reason why he had success as a reality TV show chef and how he ended up becoming a conspiracy theorist in the one episode I was watching at that moment. He then concluded by asking me a favor. "Can I have that delicious apple pie?" It all hit me, I had the apple pie locked away in my abandon fridge years and years ago. I tried finding it, and sheer luck; the fridge was in the basement. I gave him the pie and he took a bite. "Now, how was the pie?" I asked him. The answer-

"It was like eating a Taco Bell breakfast burrito - that Taco Bell location was also located at the Twin Towers."

...THE END